Monday, February 22, 2010

Scream therapy

Dear Son,

I love you.

I LOVE you.

I think you are bright and funny and silly and sweet.

I love you.

I wanted to get that out there, because lately I've been so frazzled that it may seem as if I don't really like you.

Last night, after you woke up at 11 p.m. and didn't settle down, I let you scream it out behind two closed doors: yours and mine. I couldn't go into your room to console you so afraid I was of my own rage.

I have a ton of excuses: I am working long hours without a clear schedule. I'm not sure what direction my formerly beloved industry is heading but I'm not so keen on the road map I've been given. I tell myself it's the uncertainty that is stressful but I'm not so sure I believe me.

My thyroid condition isn't under control at the moment, and quite possibly pressing a thumb to a scale already weighted toward depression. I hope new medication will help me put my head above water.

But those are just theories.

The fact that you woke up this morning happy to see me, as if the night before came wholesale from my imagination, was a gift I am likely to squander in the future when I am again at my weakest.

I don't expect you to judge me favorably for this trait, or the fact that I'm telling you I am likely to repeat it. I am human and fallible.

All I know is that I love you and your sister more than life itself, and the emotion in that is greater and scarier than anything I've ever felt in my years on this earth. It's something that I could only see as a cliche during the salad days, and so I know it won't mean much to you until you experience it for yourself.

Forever and until then ... I just wanted to tell you that I love you.




Anonymous Anonymous said...

Just remember that there are millions out there that wish they could share this feeling. I miss my child every night since I am no longer with the other parent.

I'd give anything to know what your frustration feels like.

It's not much in the way of consolation or should it mean you shouldn't let it bother you; your feelings are valid because they're yours.

Hopefully, it helps give you a little more context that it's all a matter of perception.

February 23, 2010 at 8:37 AM 
Blogger toyfoto said...

Thanks for your thoughts.

The fact that my child is here, and safe and in his room each night does make frustration with sleeping seem like petty nonsense to a person who doesn't have one or all of those things. I understand that completely.

If my child were not with me I'd mourn for these sleepless nights. I know this to be true.

I also know there are many of us out there who are doing the best we can on limited sleep and losing it every so often.

It's nice to know those people are out there, too.

February 23, 2010 at 8:44 AM 

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